Early in your relationship, the thought that you might need tips for initiating sex were probably the furthest thing from your mind. There was a lot of sex and subsequently, a lot of talk about sex. Yet, over time, both the sex and the conversation surrounding it tend to slow down. Realistically, it’s not surprising that lust cools and intimacy shifts as the relationship matures. But, if a couple is not communicating about their sex life, it can spell trouble.
The Stages of a Sex Life
Wait…there are stages?
The first step in keeping the sexual spark alive is recognizing that this spark can and often does fizzle after a period. We like to think we’re different. Our entire connection will be the proverbial “honeymoon phase” and we won’t need to talk about it to keep the excitement alive. A more productive approach is to commit early to open communication about all things, including sex. If you accomplish this, there can be a healthy pattern to the stages of your sex life. For example:
Anything Goes. the dizzying early days when lust feels like a new discovery.
Finding a Rhythm. When you realize this is not a fling and settle into your own personal sex vibe.
Rhythm Becomes Routine. As time passes and responsibilities increase, you lose that spontaneous feeling.
Resisting the Cliché. “We will not become that couple everyone talks about!”
Acceptance. Okay, you sometimes are that couple but recognizing this creates room for…
Reinvention. With enough trust and lust, this process can always stay fresh.
9 Tips for Initiating Sex & Keeping the Spark Alive in a Long-Term Relationship
1. Open the Lines of Communication
Being clear and honest is sexy. Put aside assumptions and embrace direct discussion.
2. Redefine “Sex”
It can feel demoralizing if you experience long gaps between sexual encounters. Take a look at how you define “sex,” and remember that there’s much more to intimacy than just that one act.
3. Practice Seduction
In many relationships, one or both partners may feel they are taken for granted. Practice seduction. It makes things stimulating again.
4. Don’t Put it Off
If you have social plans, why wait to get frisky afterward? Don’t risk being too tired, full, drunk, or cranky. Do it when the opportunity feels right.
5. Take a Mini-Vacation
If you’re in the position to plan a getaway, make it happen.
6. Use Tech to Tease
We have these fancy devices with us all day. Why not use them to remind your partner that they make you hot? A mid-day text is a sweet way to build some suspense.
7. Don’t Pine for the “Good Old Days”
What you looked like and how you got down “back in the day” is of no concern today. Find what feels right for who you are right now.
8. Lots of Compliments
This is connected to the practice of seduction, mentioned above. Verbalize your appreciation and feel the sexual tension rise.
9. Be Patient
There is no blueprint or magic formula. Relationships require our full and constant attention. Be patient, trust each other, and reap the rewards.
Getting to the Root of the Issue
Sometimes there are unspoken, underlying factors to consider when it feels that the spark has left your relationship. Relationships are complicated and issues other than your sex life impact all aspects of your connection.
If it feels like the thrill is gone, you might want to ponder if the thrill is just being obscured by other things happening in your relationship. Perhaps there are things, such as hurt feelings, unresolved resentments, lack of intentional time together, busy schedules, etc., that are influencing your feelings about sexual intimacy with your partner. Many couples seek professional assistance by committing to meeting with a professional counselor to help them identify barriers that are keeping the sexual spark from igniting. In a safe and non-judgmental setting honest discussion can bloom, unhelpful patterns are exposed, new approaches are suggested, and additional tips for initiating sex explored. The result is a sharper awareness of how to stay intimate as your relationship evolves through the years ahead.
Jim Duncan, MA, LPC Associate, works with both couples and individuals at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin who are looking to regain the spark in their relationship. If you and your partner are ready to enhance sexual intimacy and restore an emotional and physical connection, call Jim at (512) 270-4883, ext. 117, or request an appointment with him on the RCC Austin Scheduling page.